You can't hug your children with nuclear arms

Holy cows.

The legendary Foodfight Aught Seven took place this very evening. I'd say there were between 25 and 30 people participating, with half a dozen spectators/photographers. The food employed includes: spaghetti, mashed potatoes, Spaghetti-O's, mac & cheese, hard boiled eggs, Kool-Aid filled water balloons, rootbeer-filled water guns, a gallon of orange juice, a liter of soda, pickled beets, ham sandwiches, tortillas, balogna, oatmeal, BBQ and fajita wraps, creamed corn, loaves of Subway bread and chicken breast, refried beans, ice cream sandwiches, two cartons of ice cream, soaked muffins, bread slices, pudding, whipped cream, maple syrup, and forgive me if I've left anything out. The orange juice, which I think tastes like vomit anyway (it's the acid, I think), really did me in. A little bit of everything mingled in my mouth with the orange flavor and it all combined, Gestaltenly, into that slightly sweet, tangy, sickly savor of throw-up. I hope to associate future run-ins with vomit with this day, so that I will have cause to smile while cleaning up my childrens' ralph. My hands smell like it even now.

I'm entirely satisfied, my friends. As predicted, the action peaked at about ten minutes, then fizzled out slowly for another five or so, interrupted by the occasional, "Oh crud, we haven't opened the boiled eggs yet!" resurgences. A few stragglers arrived late and they got bombarded with slimey hugs and ground-food; no one was allowed to remain clean. I started the evening with a carton of ice cream in one hand, using the other as a scoop with which to disseminate shirt-permeating blows. Once my hands got numb, I switched to the hot foods (ahem had prepared the mashed potatoes just minutes earlier). I always wondered what it would feel like to have something both very cold and very hot on oneself at the same time. Now I know.

Toward the end, someone took an entire bowl of oatmeal and dumped it on my head. And I didn't notice until I got home, but somebody (I'm lookin at you, M-Lite) tucked some pickled beets into my pants. Genuine got the third-degree wrap-to-the-face from Thirdmango, and I heard more than once, "I got rootbeer in my eye!" Castle was even dressed in slacks and a white button-up shirt. Defenestrator ended up with the most beautiful hairdo I've ever seen. Kicks showed me no mercy. Uffish just gave me love.

Optimistic. took lots of pictures, and Big and Little Pete combined to save everyone from the awful taste in their mouths with their supersoakers. Tortillas and bologna make surprisingly good frisbees.

The clean-up was a laugh - you try picking gooshy spaghetti noodles out of unmowed grass. I even bought a roll of trashbags and a box of latex gloves (for my fellow squeamish types). We took a couple of group pictures afterward, and we all waxed crusty as we posed in the dusk. The timing was perfect - the sun was just going down, the coolness was coming on. Obviously a few key members in the cast of my life were absent, but it was still a glorious adventure, and I am intensely satisfied.

Now to copy L'Afro (I had actually planned on doing this before her birthday even came around, sucker), I'd like to list the things that I got for my birthday, both to show off how cool my friends are and to thank them:

Ahem - Gave me The Spinto Band's Nice and Nicely Done, a cd that I've been coveting for over half a century.
Optimistic. - Gave me a mix cd of his own making. And if you know Optimistic. at all, you can imagine how absolutely rad it is. It even came with commentary!
Flippin - Gave me two hours worth of time and one hour's worth of good conversation. Thanks for the ride, friend.
Superthug - Also gave me a mix cd and a scarf of mine that I've been missing all semester. This kid has really solid music taste too.
Thirdmango - Gave me one of the raddest shirts I've ever or will ever own.
Genuine - Gave me a motorized piece of sushi, a real-life flask that I have to give back to her when she turns 21, and a book of her own making. And what a book it is. It's kind of our history and our future all glue-sticked together. What love.
Elizabeth - Gave me face-washing supplies. 'Bout time I started doing that.
Sister-in-Law - Gave me a glow-in-the-dark frog. Rad.
Parents - Some good-lookin clothing, two books (a collection of Jack Vettriano paintings and The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear, a book which, until now, I've been reading in segments whenever I stopped in the bookstore), and Elder M's plane ticket to Alabama. Huzzah!
The Government - My tax return. Yay rent!
Yellow - Gave me, in one way [and] another, his blessing.
CJ - Gave me two cds' worth of This American Life, which kept me sane and contemplative during my drive back to Utah.
Elder M - Gave me a marvelous package, including a nearly authentic Chinese hat, a wonderful card, and a book called Suggestion Box which, in the spirit of Found and Post Secret, both repulsively and captivatingly summarizes what it's like to be a human.

There are more who sent me much love, many cards, and loads of photographs - you know who you are. I thank you most earnestly. I feel so incredibly loved in every moment. My life is a blessed one - and most of that has been happening through you. Seriously - I cried tears of joy in the shower as I worked the oatmeal out of my braids.

I'm so pleased. That's just the way it is.